Open Adoption- Zero Stars

You’re pregnant and in a tough spot. Common themes I come across- the father is uninterested in parenthood and leaves, your family is unsupportive or separated by long distances, you’ve had a major expense- lost your job or your car broke down. You don’t want an abortion, but you’re unsure if you’re in a good position to parent right now.

You call an adoption agency- just to see what it’s about.

The adoption agency comes on strong. There is a lot of praise about your strength and courage. They tell you that you are selfless to think of your unborn child over your own needs and wants. They tell you that your child’s best life could be lived and they have the adoptive families to prove it. They give you a stack of books full of pictures and experiences you can’t imagine ever being in a place to offer your child. They want you to take these books, look over them, and pick out a couple that would provide your child with the things you perceive you never could. They text you, a lot. They’re your new friends now. I’m sure they’re peppering in some stuff about “God’s plans” too.

There has been no conversation about parenting. The choice you preferred, but aren’t sure how to afford. As one agency I spoke with last year said, they are the “adoption professionals” not “parenting professionals.” The parenting conversation is buried and now it’s about selling you an open adoption. Look at this open adoption. She can go 0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds. She’s shiny and new. She’s “different” from what she used to be. There are no conversations about trauma, grief, or lifelong impact for you or your child. It’s a “win-win-win.”

Also, the internet is inundated in feel-good adoption stories published by agency arms. Adoption.com alone has over a million pages of positive adoption story content. Good luck finding the content about trauma, grief, and lifelong impacts. How the Hell did you manage to stumble across my blog?

You pick a family from the books, but you’re still not fully on board. Adoption is your contingency plan. You’re still holding out for your luck to change. Maybe your living situation will improve by the time you deliver. The agency encourages you and the prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) to regularly talk. Y’all need to grow a relationship for this open adoption to work (wink wink happen). The PAPs begin texting you every day, there are phone calls, they go with you to doctor visits (you’ve also signed a form allowing the agency to view your medical records), maybe they give you gas or grocery money. They’re friends in a time when you may feel friendless. You feel like you really are creating a bond with them. They seem so into you. Maybe they would be better for your baby as you look around at your present life that’s falling apart.

The agency says it’s common practice for the PAPs to be in the delivery room during labor. You may speak up and say you’re uncomfortable with this, you would prefer privacy during this time, but the agency will say, “it’s common practice” or it’s “better” for your baby to meet the PAPs asap. You’re reminded of the PAPs friendship and all they’ve done for you. This may be the only time they ever get to experience birth, and it’s their child too. You relent because this is your first rodeo, but it’s not the agents first rodeo. The PAPs are in the delivery room, they hold your baby first or soon after delivery. The hospital has given them a room for FREE so that they can be there every moment after birth. At this point in time, they don’t even have legal connection to your baby.

You are on pain medication and although you would like some private time to hold your baby, there is always something happening. The PAPs want to hold the baby, there are visitors, the agent is constantly hovering. The allotted time is up- whether 12 to 48 hours after birth- the agent is there on the minute for you to sign away your parental rights in a bed, on pain meds, recovering from nearly 10 months of pregnancy and hours of labor, and coursing with hormones. You cry. You sign.

You get discharged. You leave the hospital with empty arms and the grief sets in. You were not prepared by anyone for the magnitude of this pain. Your body does not understand and knows it’s supposed to be nurturing a baby. You realize you can’t go through with this. You’ll figure things out somehow someway or maybe family/friends step in at the last minute offering to help you parent. You call the agency in hopes to revoke your consent. In most states, the agency will say so sorry, too late. Your signature was irrevocable. You have more rights revoking a T-shirt purchase. For those states that do allow revocation- it’s a short window and don’t look for your agency friends to help walk you through it. Did your agency friend not mention to you the average infant adoption is $40,000? Your revocation is costing them money.

The agency brings up all the reasons why you placed- don’t you remember? You wanted a 2 parent family, you wanted baby to take piano lessons, your car is still on the outs (we never offered or referred any help, but we won’t talk about that). You’re just feeling the hormones right now. They will run their course and you’ll be happy with this arrangement soon enough. We also have access to your medical records- we know you struggle with anxiety disorders. Is that really good for baby? You’re also ungrateful and breaking the PAPs hearts who will never be able to have another child. There may be some threats of needing to pay back money that you believed had been charitably offered. It’s most likely the lack of money that put you in this adoption thing, so that’s always a good play on fear.

If you do figure out how to revoke, don’t be surprised if you get a CPS case opened on you. That’s another post for another day.

You don’t revoke. Now you have no legal rights to your child. The end.

But not the end. You think you have legal rights to your child because you were told it’s an open adoption. Did you hire an attorney? Did you pay for legal representation? No? Then who was fighting for you in this open adoption arrangement? No one. The agency works for the PAPs. That’s who pays them. They worked to get the PAPs a baby. Not to babysit a relationship between you and them over your child’s lifetime.

Most states point blank say that open adoptions aren’t legally enforceable. It’s a gentleman’s agreement. So when the PAPs get your baby and ride off into the sunset- they have every legal right to do that. And believe me, they do that. There are support groups full of biological families that have experienced it firsthand.

Let’s say you’re in a state that claims to enforce open adoptions. How does that work? Did you sign a PACA? A Post-Adoption Contact Agreement? If not, you’re most likely screwed. If you did, you’re still screwed, but with less of the screwed feeling. At least, for a minute. I mean, a signed PACA has to count for something, right?

You signed away your rights to your child at delivery on a hospital bed. You probably didn’t read all that paperwork and it’s possible you didn’t even get copies. But you signed your baby over to the agency, not the adoptive parents. The adoption finalization, when the adoptive parents become the full-legal parents of your child, probably won’t happen for another 6 months to a year.

You have to trust, in a situation where you already signed away your rights and have no legal representation, that in 6 months to a year, your PACA will be entered into court records. If it isn’t, what are you gonna do? Nothing.

If the PACA is entered into court records and the PAPs don’t abide by the visitation or contact agreements, what are you gonna do? Even if you’re in a state that first offers “free” mediation (read the fine print), are you going to challenge the people who hold power in connection with your child? Do you take what you can get, even though it wasn’t the agreement, or do you take them to mediation or court? Assuming you’re in a state that isn’t charging you fees to do so. Remember, you had money problems before. That’s probably why you placed. Now you have money for court? Now you want to challenge or piss off the people who hold the power over your connection with your child?

I’ve personally known one mom that did take the adoptive parents to court. She continuously won on paper. She was in a state that claims it enforces open adoptions. She had the financial ability to take them to court. The judge would say, “let her visit.” The adoptive parents would change their numbers and move. She would track them down and go to court again. This happened multiple times until her child was old enough to say they were tired of the fighting and wanted to be left alone. She has no relationship with her child.

The adoption will not be overturned and the adoptive parents will not be penalized with jail time or fines. No judge, in their right mind, is going to undermine adoptive parents who say it’s in their child’s “best interest” not to have contact with a parent who voluntarily signed their legal rights to them away- You.

So when you see all the warm and fuzzies disseminated by people selling open adoptions- agencies, adoptive parents, crisis pregnancy centers, attorneys, adoption media platforms, the church- maybe seek out the opinions of those who actually bought the open adoptions.

I bought one. I give it zero stars. My whole blog is about its fuckery.

I would advise you to start working overtime on your support system in order to parent. Unless you are perfectly fine with the potential consequence of never seeing your child again, or you’re just a glutton for mindfucks, open adoption is probably not a good fit for you.