Sincerely, I’m Sorry

Thankful for dear friends who love and support the snot out of you. SS and RM❤

Original post can be seen here: Family Preservation 365

Full piece below:

Sincerely, I’m Sorry

June 19, 1998
4 positive tests. I threw up. How am I going to tell my parents?

June 21, 1998
Told my parents. Everything is going to be ok. Relieved. I even bought you an outfit.

July 4th, 1998
Your dad and I were supposed to go on a date. He broke up with me in the driveway. He said this is too much for him.

July 11, 1998
A hit and run. My car is totaled. I lost my job. Withdrew from summer courses. Had to move back home.

July 15, 1998
My parents are going to kick me out. They said, “If you plan on keeping this baby, you won’t live here.”

August 7, 1998
I’m back at my old job working minimum wage. Borrowing dad’s car for now. I got on Medicaid. Yes, I’m a baby having a baby. The social worker shamed me so much, I didn’t ask for other resources.

August **, 1998
I’m 19. I’ve never felt more alone. Happy birthday to me.

September 12, 1998
Change of plans. I can’t move in with my friend. There won’t be enough room for all of us.

September 13, 1998
Should I have an abortion? I’ve ruined everyone’s life. I’ve ruined your life. How could I do this to a baby? No. I love you so much. We’re going to make it. We have to make it.

September 20, 1998
Butterflies. I feel you moving, sweet girl. You’re the only thing right in my life.

October 12, 1998
Mom keeps talking about adoption. Another appointment and I’m alone. The nurse said she was grateful for being adopted.

October 19, 1998
Mom took me to the crisis center. Finally, someone I can get help from. The counselor would only discuss adoption. She said you deserve better. She said a good mom would give her baby up for adoption.

October 24, 1998
Mom took me to the pastor. I’m not allowed at church since I’m showing. He wants me to give you to his infertile brother. He’s always given me the creeps. I walked out.

October 26, 1998
My parents tell me every day I will have no where to live. They said you deserve better. I need help. Your dad finally answered. He told me to become a pregnant stripper.

November 16, 1998
My mom won’t let up about adoption. I agreed to call the agency. It’s only a back-up plan. But we’re going to figure this out together, sweet girl.

November 17, 1998
There are no vacant rooms anywhere. I’m going to interviews. I’m saving money. I’m taking parenting classes. I’m collecting diapers and clothes. My parents will see how determined I am to keep you. This is going to work out, I promise.

November 20, 1998
Mom took me to two adoptive families this week. Their daughters looked so sad. If I could just find somewhere else to live. All my friends are away at school.

November 26, 1998
I’m not invited to Thanksgiving. I won’t be invited to Christmas either. My extended family doesn’t know I’m pregnant. I’m too ashamed to reach out to them.

December 19, 1998
I told mom I can’t place you for adoption. I sobbed so hard. She pulled over on the side of the road. She picked out a family from the agent’s books. I can’t see a way out of this. This is the very moment I broke. There’s no more fight left in me. I’ve hit rock bottom. Maybe you do deserve better than me.

December 23, 1998
That family called. They were giddy and laughing. Still, no one has cared to listen to what I want. We hung up and mom said it’s a blessing. That this is all from God. I went to a dark room and sobbed. Surely, God has forsaken me.

December 24, 1998
I called your dad and begged. Anything. Please help me. He said he’s shipping out next week and isn’t allowed to have dependents. He told me to do what I have to do.

January 4, 1999
I won’t leave the house again until you are born. For the next month, I will practice the moment I have to hand you over. My arms will need to work that day because my mind will be broken. I have decided that I will die when it’s over. My heart will stop beating. For now, I will enjoy these last moments with you. I will sing to you every day. I will not take any calls.

February **, 1999
I was in labor for 3 days. You are the most perfect creature that has ever lived. I held you for 32 solid hours. I memorized your face. I sang to you. I whispered in your ear, “Come back to me one day.”

February **, 1999
My parents were there. The agent was there. They stood around my bed waiting on my signature. I sobbed uncontrollably. Gutteral, primal cries. I couldn’t see through my tears. I signed. Oh God, I signed.

The nurses wouldn’t make eye contact with me. No one spoke. My heart left the room. Why was it still beating?

February **, 1999
I walked out of the hospital a stranger to myself. I am sorry, sweet girl. Please forgive me one day.

Sincerely,
I’m Sorry

 

 

June 19, 1998
4 positive tests. I threw up. How am I going to tell my parents?

June 21, 1998
Told my parents. Everything is going to be ok. Relieved. I even bought you an outfit.

July 4th, 1998
Your dad and I were supposed to go on a date. He broke up with me in the driveway. He said this is too much for him.

July 11, 1998
A hit and run. My car is totaled. I lost my job. Withdrew from summer courses. Had to move back home.

July 15, 1998
My parents are going to kick me out. They said, “If you plan on keeping this baby, you won’t live here.”

August 7, 1998
I’m back at my old job working minimum wage. Borrowing dad’s car for now. I got on Medicaid. Yes, I’m a baby having a baby. The social worker shamed me so much, I…

View original post 748 more words

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3 thoughts on “Sincerely, I’m Sorry

  1. I sobbed when I read this. I knew it was you before I saw who wrote it. Our stories are so much alike. We were trapped in a no win situation. All because we had a commodity. They wish we had died and their fantasy of giving birth as the obc says is true. I love you ❤️

    Like

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