Chasing My Daughter’s Ghost

 

This is what moms do at 2 am. When the world is sleeping…we chase the ghosts of our lost children. Adoption provides no closure. Your subconscious is on an eternal search for your missing child.

Most nights we chase alone. Sometimes we have the fortune of another mom to join us in the hunt. (Conversation below by permission)

Mom:

You are in a difficult time

18 is soooo hard

Me:

We were out a lot today. Shopping, dinner, movie.

Mom:

Good happy things

It won’t always feel like 18

Me:

I see adoptees who want their moms so bad. And I want to punch those moms in the face. (moms who reject reunion)

Mom:

I know

At some point , you will want to yell at ****

And that feeling is ok

Me:

Lol. I want to now!!!

Mom:

It will go away

It comes and goes

Me:

Maybe she wants to yell at me. I wish she would.

Mom:

I KNOW that feeling

I wish **** would scream at me

Me:

Right? Just get it out already. Have that cathartic moment & move on.

Mom:

I want a real emotion

Yep

Marriage , baby , other things will kill you many times

Yet , you live. Vampire

Me:

I was thinking about **** today. I broke off with her ****. I was kind. Said I needed time to grieve the child I lost. That the loss had never been validated by anyone. To enjoy her family and maybe one day I would be able to talk again. In our “open” adoption, her response was basically ok. Not- she’s still your daughter, this is an “open” adoption, we’re your family. None of that.

I’ve been used. I was objectified as a teenager. I was made into an incubator by my mother for random strangers. What ****identifying info**** can take the child of a teenager? And that’s what raised my daughter. It’s a lost cause. She’s gone. I don’t ever expect **** to face those truths about ****. And I certainly can’t be the one to bring it up. She’ll probably be like ****. Say screw all you crazy people & keep her circle tight. And I won’t be able to blame her at all.

Mom:

I know

But , how do you take people’s hope away ?

Sometimes, it’s the only thing keeping them alive

We , the old ones know

You never get them Back

The most is maybe texts and such

They were gone the day they were taken

So , we try to stop new ones , and change laws

Me:

We’re chasing ghosts.

Mom:

Yes. We are.

The ghosts of who our daughters were supposed to be

They don’t exist

We can say we are ready

They aren’t

I know you

Me:

If I could put that in a pill. And feed it to everyone who says adoption is beautiful.

Mom:

I know

I know you would do anything and accept anything from ****

Me:

You care if I blog about this?

Mom:

No

Me:

No names. Of course! No identifying info.

Mom:

But , I agree that **** will probably do like ****

Very smart talented girls

Your family is nuts , as is mine

It’s better to make their own Tribe

And , we will love them After we are dead

I will steal pics of her

Because I can see her and breathe

I have to make sure she’s ok

 

We are mothers

I think the question is , would we be the kind of mothers we are now if adoption never happened?

I don’t know

Are we better Are we worse I know we have more issues But , do we cherish more , more patient.

Know that little things are the huge things

Or , were we already like that because our moms were awful

And , we knew we would never be them

Me:

I hold them so close. I know these years will be gone so soon. And I’m counting on these memories to carry me into old age. Maybe to counter the ones I lost.

Mom:

And , our awful moms took our babies

Yes. I did that. It helped. Until it didn’t

I see other moms. Grandchildren have helped them so much

 

Me:

And destroyed me in the process. How do you do great things when your own mom thought you sucked too much to keep your child? That her grandchild was better off with complete strangers. A 15 minute phone call and a silly picture book.

 

Mom:

I think we were exceptional girls

Look at a lot of our daughters

Me:

I thought I was. I was confident. Cute. In a matter of months- destroyed.

Mom:

All beautiful, smart , high achievementI think it was plannedThey sought us outEspecially thenHonor studentsTalentedYour kids will be in Who’s Wholike you wereHonor, Beta, French SocietyI swear these babies are more $$$$How do you price a human?

o-UNICORN-facebook

I ask myself is Reunion a Unicorn?

18 years in and I still don’t know how to grieve the death of my living child.

These are things no agency or attorney is going to tell you. These are conversations you will never be prepared to have in your wildest dreams. These are discomforts that society refuses to acknowledge.

How do you grieve the living?

Until I can find that answer and live it out in the most mediocre way, then I can never say “Adoption is Beautiful”.

Adoption has been many things to this mother. Beautiful has never been one of them.

Adoption is chasing my daughter’s ghost every night as the world sleeps.

3a681c276c0532de7f355f518b439671

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Chasing My Daughter’s Ghost

  1. As an adoptee who found out last year that I was adopted and natural parents were found this year, I am sad that natural mother “isn’t ready” for a reunion. I’m not sure she will ever be. It hurts beyond belief that she feels this way. I’m sure that pushing her pain down and “ignoring” it helped her to cope with me being adopted decades ago, I wish that she would have the strength and the courage to want to see me. It’s painful…..
    I would also LOVE to meet my full siblings.
    #Ialwayswantedsiblings #notanonlychildanymore, #siblinglove

    Like

    1. Oh, Adele. I am so sorry. For so many things. To have gone so long without knowing. And then rejection. As I get older, I can understand the moms to a degree that reject. For many, I think walls had to be built in order to survive. Those walls coming down could literally be life or death. But I hope that your natural mom can find a way to let you in. Adoption is not an easy journey.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s