This is what moms do at 2 am. When the world is sleeping…we chase the ghosts of our lost children. Adoption provides no closure. Your subconscious is on an eternal search for your missing child.
Most nights we chase alone. Sometimes we have the fortune of another mom to join us in the hunt. (Conversation below by permission)
You are in a difficult time
18 is soooo hard
We were out a lot today. Shopping, dinner, movie.
Good happy things
It won’t always feel like 18
I see adoptees who want their moms so bad. And I want to punch those moms in the face. (moms who reject reunion)
At some point , you will want to yell at ****
And that feeling is ok
Lol. I want to now!!!
It will go away
It comes and goes
Maybe she wants to yell at me. I wish she would.
I KNOW that feeling
I wish **** would scream at me
Right? Just get it out already. Have that cathartic moment & move on.
I want a real emotion
Marriage , baby , other things will kill you many times
Yet , you live. Vampire
I was thinking about **** today. I broke off with her ****. I was kind. Said I needed time to grieve the child I lost. That the loss had never been validated by anyone. To enjoy her family and maybe one day I would be able to talk again. In our “open” adoption, her response was basically ok. Not- she’s still your daughter, this is an “open” adoption, we’re your family. None of that.
I’ve been used. I was objectified as a teenager. I was made into an incubator by my mother for random strangers. What ****identifying info**** can take the child of a teenager? And that’s what raised my daughter. It’s a lost cause. She’s gone. I don’t ever expect **** to face those truths about ****. And I certainly can’t be the one to bring it up. She’ll probably be like ****. Say screw all you crazy people & keep her circle tight. And I won’t be able to blame her at all.
But , how do you take people’s hope away ?
Sometimes, it’s the only thing keeping them alive
We , the old ones know
You never get them Back
The most is maybe texts and such
They were gone the day they were taken
So , we try to stop new ones , and change laws
We’re chasing ghosts.
Yes. We are.
The ghosts of who our daughters were supposed to be
They don’t exist
We can say we are ready
I know you
If I could put that in a pill. And feed it to everyone who says adoption is beautiful.
I know you would do anything and accept anything from ****
You care if I blog about this?
No names. Of course! No identifying info.
But , I agree that **** will probably do like ****
Very smart talented girls
Your family is nuts , as is mine
It’s better to make their own Tribe
And , we will love them After we are dead
I will steal pics of her
Because I can see her and breathe
I have to make sure she’s ok
We are mothers
I think the question is , would we be the kind of mothers we are now if adoption never happened?
I don’t know
Are we better Are we worse I know we have more issues But , do we cherish more , more patient.
Know that little things are the huge things
Or , were we already like that because our moms were awful
And , we knew we would never be them
I hold them so close. I know these years will be gone so soon. And I’m counting on these memories to carry me into old age. Maybe to counter the ones I lost.
And , our awful moms took our babies
Yes. I did that. It helped. Until it didn’t
I see other moms. Grandchildren have helped them so much
And destroyed me in the process. How do you do great things when your own mom thought you sucked too much to keep your child? That her grandchild was better off with complete strangers. A 15 minute phone call and a silly picture book.
I think we were exceptional girls
Look at a lot of our daughters
I thought I was. I was confident. Cute. In a matter of months- destroyed.
All beautiful, smart , high achievementI think it was plannedThey sought us outEspecially thenHonor studentsTalentedYour kids will be in Who’s Wholike you wereHonor, Beta, French SocietyI swear these babies are more $$$$How do you price a human?
I ask myself is Reunion a Unicorn?
18 years in and I still don’t know how to grieve the death of my living child.
These are things no agency or attorney is going to tell you. These are conversations you will never be prepared to have in your wildest dreams. These are discomforts that society refuses to acknowledge.
How do you grieve the living?
Until I can find that answer and live it out in the most mediocre way, then I can never say “Adoption is Beautiful”.
Adoption has been many things to this mother. Beautiful has never been one of them.
Adoption is chasing my daughter’s ghost every night as the world sleeps.