Beware the Adoption Agency Speak

For any mother facing an “untimely” pregnancy: beware the adoption agency speak.

I’ve been doing a lot of natural mom studying recently. Reading blogs, websites, studies, recovery books, etc. I have had insightful conversations over the last year with other natural moms. I’ve learned that so much of what I’ve felt the last 17 years isn’t crazy at all. In fact, my feelings seem to be the rule, not the exception. I do find comfort in that. For years, I wondered why I just couldn’t “get over it” like I had been expected to do. When you soberly think about that demand- “get over it”- when talking about the loss of a child; my goodness we’re surrounded by wolves in sheep’s clothing.

As far as I’m concerned, adoption agencies can’t be regulated enough. And this is coming from someone who considers themselves borderline Anarchist. Ok, maybe not Anarchist, but hardcore Libertarian at the least.

I came across an adoption agency site today that says this to pregnant moms:

If you’re thinking about adoption, please ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you financially and emotionally able to provide for a child?
  2. Is the father able and willing to provide financial and emotional support to you and the child?
  3. Are you ready to prioritize the needs of another above your own?

Seemingly innocuous? Perhaps to the untrained eye. I’ve had 3 children with my husband and I’m still not certain I can answer #1 & #3 to my satisfaction! Now imagine yourself in the shoes of a pregnant mom in a compromising situation. This agency is telling her through these questions:

1) If you’re poor or emotional, you don’t need to parent.

2) If the father of your child has bailed on you, you don’t need to parent.

3) You are selfish, you don’t need to parent.

If she doubts her answers to these questions and calls that number, she’s as good in the birth mom club as any.

Questions like these are loaded and serve a purpose solely for the agency’s gain. They have years of study. These 3 questions weren’t just thrown at a wall to see if they stuck. They’re leading a vulnerable woman to predetermined conclusions. That conclusion is “I shouldn’t parent. I should place my child for adoption.”

What would it look like if someone REALLY cared about a pregnant mom in a compromising situation? They would never use these 3 reasons as a purpose for adoption. If she were poor, they would help her find programs to get on her feet. If she were emotional, they would support her through counseling. If the father of the child bailed, they would pursue means to make him financially responsible while reassuring her of her independence. If she felt uncertain about what sacrifice entails; they would teach her what it means to be a mother and offer her parenting classes.

Mama, you have to look out for your heart. You have to look out for your baby. There are people out there wanting your baby and they will sweet talk that baby right out of your arms.

Mama, anyone who makes you feel less deserving of motherhood because you are poor or alone- there’s your red flag. I don’t even know what this agency means by “emotional”. My goodness, if you’re pregnant, you’re emotional. That question could imply all pregnant women need to seek adoption. Pregnancy is one of the most “emotional” times of your life regardless of circumstance.

I’m also not sure what they mean by “sacrifice”. If you’re a first time mom, you have no clue what or what not to expect when it comes to sacrifice. There are levels of sacrifice. Are you willing to sacrifice sleeping in because you have an infant to feed? Are you willing to sacrifice traveling the world because you have to maintain a 40 hour a week job to take care of an infant? Sacrifice is a broad term and certainly being used here to sway a timid mom.

Mama, you have to beware the adoption agency speak. Its subtle and always comes with a smiley face. They aren’t going to look  you in the eyes and say, “We want your kid. Just hand him over already.” No, they have to wine and dine. You have a lot of questions they have to answer. You’re going to hear things like “selfless” and “hero”. They’re going to talk your “sacrifice” and “nobility” up so much you’re going to be expecting sainthood when its all over. But bam!!! That door slams quick when that baby is out of your arms. They offer post-adoption counseling for the adoptive parents. What about you? Yeah, sorry, none of that. You’re left to your own devices with the physical healing from labor and post-partum emotional turmoil. The sainthood that was bestowed upon you now belongs to the adoptive parents who just saved an “unwanted” child.

If you’re thinking about adoption…stop. Ha. But seriously, don’t contact an agency right away. Seek out other birth moms for advice. Read studies about adoptees and birth moms- 4 times more likely to commit suicide and have addictions. Exhaust your options to raise your child. Use a pregnancy resource center. Reach out to friends and family. Adoption is a lifelong suffering. The agencies have it ass-backwards. They say the first year is the hardest. Absolutely not. The first year is the easiest. Every year gets harder and harder. You never get over the loss because every year brings a new loss; lost baby steps, lost first words, lost days of school, lost graduations, lost weddings, lost baby showers, lost grandchildren.

Exhaust all means. You might feel completely powerless right now, but once that baby is out of your life and in a stranger’s home…there is no more a powerless feeling than that. Now is the time to demand help for you and your child. If that means contacting local government agencies for housing and/or financial aid- so be it. If that means contacting local charities for basic necessities- so be it. If that means contacting a pregnancy resource center for counseling and support- so be it. Do it now so you don’t have to be a member of this abominable club.

 

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8 thoughts on “Beware the Adoption Agency Speak

  1. Love this post. This is right on. Adoption agencies only care about one thing. MONEY. Adopters only care about one thing. A fresh INFANT. They could care less about the mother. I was told a single woman can’t and shouldn’t raise a child. Poor women shouldn’t raise kids. I was told my child would be mad at me for being poor and not being able to afford things. This needs to stop. I truly believe adoption agencies shold be closed down. If a woman really wants to place her child for adoption, every option of keeping a mother and child should be made. Adoption should be the very last choice. Not the only one. If adopters really want a kid they can choose from the many in foster care who don’t have parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m learning that our shared experience seems to be the norm. Agencies preying upon the poor and desperate; pretending to be there to “help”. One day, I hope there will be a much deserved reckoning for these predators.

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      1. Yep. They prey on vulnerable women. They lie and pretend to care. Adoptive parents do the same. I lost my child to this is evil business. Infant adoption should be shut down. Many innocent vulnerable women in crises lost their babies when they needed help.

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  2. “What would it look like if someone REALLY cared about a pregnant mom in a compromising situation? They would never use these 3 reasons as a purpose for adoption. If she were poor, they would help her find programs to get on her feet. If she were emotional, they would support her through counseling. If the father of the child bailed, they would pursue means to make him financially responsible while reassuring her of her independence. If she felt uncertain about what sacrifice entails; they would teach her what it means to be a mother and offer her parenting classes.”

    Actually, real adoption agencies and Christian family agencies DO this. Please check outside of whatever narrow experiences you’ve had. The Christian family agency I work for, their backbone of their ministry is helping family’s in need and focusing on providing practical needs and so many other resources. There’s many kinds of these agencies in my state.
    It sounds more like you’re quoting a state agency or Planned Parenthood who is the evil one targeting poor women, teens, and are the ones who are covering up rape and incest victims by forcing abortion and NO other choices.
    If you’re angry, then be angry at abortion providers. Don’t point your finger at parents who’ve adopted multiple children through foster care. Children who were abandoned in trash cans with their umbilical cords still attached, who were physically and sexually abused by their birth parents, who were born extremely premature and addicted to drugs, and who were given up because they were born with a disability.

    Don’t be angry at family’s who give up any kind of normalcy to give a life to children who otherwise would have had no chance of even surviving their childhood.

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    1. My reply Ebug….as CIVILLY…as I can reply.
      1) This blog has NOTHING to do with foster care or abortion. This blog has EVERYTHING to do with adoption agencies- Christian or not. The questions I pose in this blog were from a “Christian” agency NOT Planned Parenthood or a state agency. MY personal agency was supposedly “Christian”.
      2) My “narrow” experience is one of 18 years and plenty of research and firsthand knowledge from other first moms and adoptees. Perhaps, a case of pot calling kettle black.
      3) I am PROLIFE. I have been a part of the prolife movement since I was literally 10 years old. I have been to the marches…in fact I am on a board for a local crisis pregnancy center. Adoption and Abortion have NOTHING to do with each other. I NEVER intended to abort my daughter- I had every plan to raise her myself- as I have found most first moms fall into the same category. The prolife movement is doing a MAJOR disservice to itself with this nonbiblical adoption nonsense. There is an anger amongst adoptees and first moms that is building to a fever pitch and its because they feel slighted by the prolife movement. I cannot tell you how often I come across prochoice first moms and adoptees specifically because of how they have been treated by the pro-adoption (supposedly prolife) crowd.
      4) I will NOT allow you to glibly place first moms who wanted to raise their children in the same category with people who rape, abuse, and throw their children in dumpsters. That has to be the MOST oblivious and hateful accusation of first moms I have ever read. Thank you for making my point- for all to see here. Look everyone- this is what an adoption agency employee thinks of you…You’re an expectant mom wanting to raise your child? Here is an example of an agent who believes she/he is saving your child from incest/abuse/murder. All the more reason to find first moms to speak with before you make that adoption agency call.
      5) If you work for an agency that truly “helps” mothers with the things I mentioned in the blog, then you have nothing to find offense. You should be just as angry and thanking me for trying to save a mother from belonging to this hideous lifelong club of torment- the “birthmom” club. I encourage you to journey through the blogs and pages of first moms and adoptees and see how rare “your” agency’s practices are if it truly is what you say. Granted, I don’t know how your agency is making payroll and rent if you’re helping all these moms KEEP their children. I WOULD be very interested in your response.
      6) I will allow your comment here to serve as an example of the disregard agencies and their employees have for mothers that want to raise their children. I never mentioned abortion, abuse, foster care, or the like….yet still, we first moms get to be lumped in. There always has to be that “dehumanizing” factor to make us a little less deserving of our children. Maybe dehumanizing first moms is a way of shifting guilt.

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    2. That’s a damn lie. Most of these Christian agencies give one choice. Adoption. Why be angry at abortion providers? Adoption and abortion are two different things. I went to pregnancy centers and they didn’t do anything for me.

      This isn’t about foster care. This is about infant adoption. Many babies would’ve been fine with their birth mothers. Adoption isn’t a better life. It’s a different one.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m in agreement, Natalie. I’m sorry for what you went through. I’m really tired of us first moms getting lumped in with abusers and people who “dump children in dumpsters”. I’m beginning to think its an attempt to shut us up as well a way to deflect guilt in a predatory business such as adoption.

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